Screwing Around
Once completed you should be able to reach my blog via http://www.myunfocusedlife.com, http://livingwithaadd.blogspot.com.
Musings, stories and life according to a guy with a big heart and an unfocused mind.
I took a break from blogging for a few days this week. It's not that I am really busy, but I wanted to have time to work on some personal issues. Some people may not realize this, but I have an anger problem. I never lose control, but on the road I do yell at other drivers even though they can't hear me. I also don't like when people park in crosswalks or go through the red traffic light when I am using the crosswalk and I tend to let them know it. My short temper has gotten me into all sorts of trouble. The mayor's office is still not talking to me 'cuz I sent them a slightly caustic letter. I was polite, but I questioned their competence. Not a good way to make new friends.
So this week I started working on my anger issues with my ADHD therapist. She is really good and seems to know when I need to start concentrating on particular issue. Right before Christmas, she suggested that we start with working on my anger after the New Year. I like her. She subscribes to the theory that the mind has multiple processing centers and each one exhibits a different personality or "voice". For me, I have two of these "voices" that tend to get me into trouble. One is the anger voice that get triggered when someone gets in my way or doesn't feel they need to follow the same rules as the rest of us. You know the latter. They are the ones who believe they do not have to wait in the traffic with the us "idiots" and will swerve out of traffic and go barreling down the break-down lane or shoulder. The former are the people who pull into the left lane on the freeway and drive really slowly. I don't think they are passive aggressive meanies reacting to fast drivers, but are merely space cadets who forget that they are driving slowly in the high speed lane. Either way, I get mad at them and yell obscenities even though my best digs stay within my own car. I think it comes from growing up with people who had personality disorders and took their anger and aggression out on me, or constantly tried to cheat me out of my share of goodies. The anger was protection against the evil forces in my life. I am suppose to keep reminding my anger "voice" that I know longer live with angry mean people and therefore do not need to "protection".
My other "voice" is the one that tries to calm me down in reaction to my anxiety. As a kid I had a generalize anxiety disorder that made me afraid of everything. I don't mean the kind of fear that keeps you on your toes, but pure, unadulterated panic attacks. It's kind of like what you would feel if someone was coming at you with a knife and you knew they were about to stab you. Only, my panic attacks would be triggered by the presence of strangers or climbing the monkey poles in gym class. This "voice" had a pretty tough job and often it would infuse me with lethargy to keep me from going into anxiety triggering situations. For a few years during grade and middle school, I didn't leave the house except for school and the occasional party. The problem with this "voice" is that even though I know longer feel anxiety, it still tries to keep me safe. I often feel like I have to clear an energy hurdle in order to do anything fun. Sometimes the energy hurdle is too high and I end up passing on fun activities. My project with this "voice" is to convince it that I no longer need the protection 'cuz I know longer experience anxiety. In fact, many things that use to scare me into a panic now give me a thrill. For instance, I like really high places.
If anyone is still out there, I hope you will forgive my absence. I have some really cool things going on in my life, they need some focus and attention. I also want to mention that my girlfriend's son has been doing well lately. He is coming out of his depression and hasn't done anything outrageous for last few days. Me managed to get a waiver on his father's consent form and so the diagnosis and treatment are moving forward. Thank you to everyone who made supportive comments. They meant a lot to me.